I saw a great movie today, Robin Hood, with Russell Crowe. The actors were all so great. Friar Tuck was perfect. Lady Miriam, Cate Blanchett, was perfect. It is amazing how a movie is so much better when the right actors are chosen for the parts. The story is different than the Robin Hood story I learned as a child. But the history in this movie is great. The scenery. The violence, not so wonderful. I want to go again and just enjoy it all over again.

New Love

I met someone new last night and we talked for 4 hours on the phone.
He is so right for me in many ways. Almost too right. But his divorce isn't final and he has just begun his journey. Damn, damn, damn.

Music

I love music. I grew up in a house where music was very common. Of course, the only person who liked the music when I was very young was my father. He would listen to old time country western-Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, and music with yodeling. He played the guitar and liked picken out tunes. It seemed like we would watch a lot of music TV shows-Hee Haw, Grand Ole Opry, Ed Sullivan. Now I hear certain songs that can bring up a memory that is very clear and strong. I can hear a song from my high school years and remember the 70's. A boyfriend, a break-up, a drive, a moment so clear it feels as if I have time traveled.

There was a time in my divorce I couldn't listen to music much. It broke my heart to hear songs that reminded my of happier times. It is amazing how the world you live in feels so different when you are divorcing. You go to a store and suddenly that place takes on a whole new meaning. You no longer have to shop for food for someone else's liking, just your own. But you have ignored your own liking for so long you can't remember what you like. I would walk down the aisles at the market and look at things and wonder if I would like it. This still is an issue at times.

The last few years music has once again become very important to me. I can feel longing for someone with a song, or get filled with hope. I like movie soundtracks because they are specifically chosen to create a feeling in a movie. Right now, as I write this, I am listening to my ipod and a song from the movie One True Thing is playing. A movie about a woman who dies of cancer and how her daughter has to take care of her.

If I didn't have music in my life I would feel lost.

Climbing Mountains

I have felt funky all day. So many thoughts going through my mind. I haven't felt well since I got home from NYC, mostly tired and achy. I think my body is letting go of a very stressful 4 years. My trip to NY helped me move on from a past relationship with my ex and has allowed me accept the place of my children's stepmom in their lives. But now I need to work through the crap in my house and that is causing a whole new set of issues that I have been able to excuse because of not being able to move past my ex. Onto my next mountain to climb-letting go of all my past life junk. I hate climbing mountains....

Sunday

I am just back from a busy week in NYC with my kids for David's graduation. I was hoping to hit the ground running and get this pigsty of a house clean and in order. I have done the laundry and cleaned the bathrooms, but today I am still in my pj's and it is 3:00. I think I may have a virus. Maybe the shelf full of glassware that fell on my bare feet in the garage discouraged me from cleaning. I am viewing that as a positive accident in that now I will have to clean my garage and get rid of 20 years of junk I moved in with after my divorce.

I mentioned in my last blog entry that my mystery man broke my heart but that isn't true. He is very kind and sweet and always treats me well. And he is very honest with how far his commitment will be in the relationship. I suppose that I am trying to decide if I am willing to except his honesty and work within his boundaries. If not, then I have to say good-bye. If so, then we can have some fun. I know what I am looking for in a relationship and that isn't happening. But I don't really have time to be in a committed relationship.

This writing has worn me out. I have been told I think to much and make things too complicated. I would miss having an interesting conversation with a man that just isn't a grunt or a what did you say or a wait until the next inning. I think I assume that most men are empty headed and just want peace to watch whatever sporting event is on or to have their back's massaged.

For now I will be where I am and doing what I am doing and be thankful for what I have.

Mystery Man

My Mystery Man has broke my heart....

"I Think I Am In Love...."

I was watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice and started noticing how many people are in love. How easy it is to fall in love on TV. Dr. McSteamy said he loved Little Grey. Owen loves Kristina but is not sure how he feels about Teddy. Alex loves Little Grey. Meranda loves Dr. McCreamy (who wouldn't). Meredith loves Dr. McDreamy. Patients fall in love. On Private Practice there are doctors in love and then handing them off onto other doctors because they know they are still in love and after the hand off they go to another doctor that were secretly in love with but who is the best friend of his ex-wife. Babies are being born that everyone loves. People are dying that had kids that loved them. A monster of a woman gets engaged to the sweetest man on the show because they are in love and can't imagine life without the other.

After Private Practice I watched the news and was told how much people hate each other and how they have used various methods of violence to show that hate.

Now which world would you rather live in? I wouldn't mind Dr. McSteamy saying he loved me. And I try to stay away from people who hate me so much they want to kill me. Balance is key. Time to go pick up Brinkley, now there is an animal to love-McStinky

Brinkley

I have a dog named Brinkley. He has been the love of my life for 10 years. We have been through a lot together. He adores me like no other and I him. He lies next to me on cold nights and when I wake lonely, all I have to do is reach over and pet his fur and know the world is safe. His soft snores are reassuring to me. And many a morning I lay in bed longer than I should because he is snuggled next to me. He has a stinky toy that he loves. He has always liked his toys. He has a happy dance that he does when he gets excited. He is very funny looking when he runs around the house. When he is happy to see you he sneezes on you and makes these little snorting sounds.

I am thinking of giving my dog to my sister, Leslie. I cannot take care of Brinkley as well as I use to because I am working and have other activities that keep me out of the house. He needs more love and attention than I can give him now that he is getting older. I don't know if I will be able to leave him at Leslie's house. How will I come home at the end of a day and not have Brinkley to greet me? Or how will I sleep without him curled up next to me? I love Brinkley. He is like a child but not. How do you replace the love of your dog? A dog's love is so much different than a man's love. He doesn't care what I look like or smell like. Just that I am there.

Oh Brinkley I will miss you.

I Can Only Imagine

One of my favorite songs is by Mercy Me-"I Can Only Imagine". This song puts into words the thoughts about what it will be like when I meet my God. When I hear this song my heart stops and my mind slows down and for a few moments I am lost in my thoughts about God.

I long for my life to be like this. Each day and each moment in awe and wonder of Jesus and the love he has given me. Of the hope of a life everlasting. Of a new life of peace, joy, beauty and magnitude beyond imagination. I allow the chaos of my days and my mind to steal this joy from me. At the end of the day, when I am quietly lying in my bed and I final stop to talk to God, I ask for forgiveness for once again not placing him first in my thoughts and actions. I have imagined being a nun or monk in a secluded environment where all the distractions have been taken away from me and the only thing left is the quiet. How do I create that in a life filled with jobs, a dog, friends, TV, internet, stuff and more stuff?

At the end of the day I long for the day that now I can only imagine.