What a Day!

If I were a dog I would be chasing my tail. And half way through the trip I would forget what direction I was going or what I was doing and start again going the other direction. Do I quit or do I stay? Why do I nag my friends. Want more than they can give. Forgive me my friends. I am lonely. Not really concerned about the future and how I will take care of myself. It seems pointless to worry. I wish it were clear what I will be doing about my job. No one will make the decision for me but me.

What If?

It is Saturday. A great, glorious day. The sun is shining. I have my laundry almost done. My bills are paid. And I am going to the Container Store. One of my favorites places in the world. Ok that is just sad, but true. I just read a great essay on the NY Times Book Review email I receive by Stephen King saying the Short Story is dying. But there are many great short stories out there. I think I may go search at the bookstore, another one of my favorite places. I think I am going to quit my job and continue on with school for a while. I am having a difficult time at my job working with others. I am so discouraged. I feel like I have failed. It has been a humbling experience. My confidence is gone. So my thought is lingering today on, What if I do quit? What will happen? What if I do go back to school? What if I explore jobs that involve something I am passionate about? Writing, reading, creating? Time to go to the Container Store.

One Step Forward

One step forward, that is my goal. Each day I try to take one step towards my future and away from my past. Unfortunately my memories step forward with me. I sometimes wish I could forget everything. My old life was so different than the life I am living now. But I don't want to forget what my little girl looked like when she was five, or the day she was born. I don't want to forget how my son use to run everywhere. He didn't know the meaning of slow down. I don't want to forget how they prayed with me before going to bed. Or the different emotions they went through in any one day. It is hard work trying to remember. Trying to remember exactly what it felt like to hold my newborn baby in my arms.



It is harder work trying to forget. Thoughts automaticly pop into your head because they have been there for so long. Just because someone walks away and closes the door behind them doesn't mean you automaticly stop thinking about them. This whole thing has driven me just a tad bit crazy.



I pray for a break in the insanity. I believe God has something else in store for me. I just can't imagine it ever being anything as meaningful as I have gone through, but I trust and I wait and I listen.

Monday

It is Monday. I just got home from the gym, again. I was fine until I became very weak. I hadn't eatten since 2 and my blood sugar was too low to workout. I became so discouraged I just wanted to curl up and cry. It is humiliating to go to the gym for over a year and have nothing change. I suppose I am stronger. Work was good today. I learn something new every day. I would rather be quilting all day but can't pay the bills doing that. Somedays Iwonder what is the point. What is the point of this life I am living.

The Gym

I went to the gym this morning and it was ok. I wasn't trained by my trainer, he was busy today, so I went on my own. Big step for me. Walked on the treadmill and used the punching bag. The owner of the gym showed me how to hit the bag properly and not hit like a girl. It was fun.

Friday

I have discovered that Fridays are the hardest day for me now that I am single and my kids are away. Being alone with no prospects for a connection with someone. Tonight I went to bring my trash cans in and listened to my neighbor having fun with her guests. She is having a party tonight and everyone is all dressed up and laughing. It doesn't bother me that I am not there, what was going through my mind was a memory of my old house. The fog coming up over the hill, the moon reflecting in the pool, the wind that was so common in our neighborhood. Most of my neighbors I rarely saw, unless you call the deer that invaded my yard a neighbor.

This is when it is hard, when the sadness seeps into my soul. I can feel it behind my eyes and I get tired. It takes a lot of effort to fight the tiredness.

I try to remember that most Friday nights even as a married woman I was alone. My husband either fell asleep on the couch around 6:30 or had other things to do. He got to the point where he would even fall asleep if we went to the movies with friends. The loneliness as a married woman was harder than the loneliness I feel now. The sadness was even evident then. Do I dare even consider marriage as an option again?

Accomplishments

I have been challenged to list 18 of my accomplishments in life, so here goes it.



1. Graduated from high school

2. Graduated from business college

3. I can write a letter.

4. I can balance a checkbook.

5. I have raised two nice children into adults.

6. I can read.

7. My dog loves me.

8. I can bake.

9. I was committed to my husband for 23 years.

10. I survived a divorce.

11. I can teach children.

12. I can teach adults.

13. I can make people laugh, especially my children.

14. I survived the death of my parents.

15. I have completed a quilt.

16. I have completed a very difficult cross stitch pattern.

17. I have good color sense.

18. I have good friends.



I don't know if these would all be considered accomplisments or what. But it is a start.

Wednesday

I just got home from the gym. I have been going for a year and I have yet to begin to enjoy it. I have my own personally torturer, I mean trainer. I have often told him he should go to Irag and torture the bad guys. He doesn't seem to think that is funny. I never realized that 20 seconds could be so long until I went to the gym. I have told my "trainer" that if he makes me do something that causes me pain that I was going to quit. He just laughs and says come on we are going to have fun! And the sick thing is I will be there early Saturday morning. Waiting to be tortured again.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians

Wow! Some one read me!

I was so surprised that some one had read my blog. How nice. It has been a year since I have posted anything and a lot has happened. I have a job (yuck), I am still unpacking (though I did find my silverware), my daughter is married (Yah!), I have been working out for a year and haven't changed an inch. My kitchen is painted a beautiful red, my living/dining room is a nice soft yellow and it makes me happy. My new project is cleaning my closet -now that my closet is no longer the size of a bedroom-I have to eliminate most of it. It has been almost a year since my divorce has been final. I am done with school. And this fall the weather is nice and cool.
It is so strange, when my kids are home I miss being alone and when they are gone I miss having them around. Will I ever be content?