What Is Wrong With Feeling Special

We are all interchangeable, hmm, interesting. Don't think so...
As a mom, can my relationship with my children be changed or is it special?
As a friend, do I share experiences that are unique to that friendship?
As a lover, do we share moments that only two unique personalities blending can share?
It doesn't mean my children may not be able to experience a motherly experience with another woman, or my friend can't experience a bond with another person, or a lover be one with someone else. If I were to die than the hole my life ending created would be filled with someone. But that someone will never be me. I am uniquely myself. I am the only person who has lived my life. I offer things to a person that only I can offer because I am me.

Retreat

I have been on a 5 day sewing retreat-no TV, no computer, no newspapers. Lots of friends, some of which I had just met, and laughing. I have not been in such a peaceful place in years. The room we worked in was a blank canvas. As the time slowly ticked by, it became filled with color and creativity. Beautiful, beautiful fabric manipulated in all different quilt of forms. But the most beautiful part of being in a room filled with 50 or so women is the life experiences we have all had. I met a woman who worked as a 911 operator. Wow. Another is a best cancer survivor and another is in the midst of fighting cancer. A woman mesmerized with her story telling of Tom Tit Tot (an English folk tale). My best form of therapy is a quilt retreat. My therapist encourages it. Who am I to not follow my doctor's advise?

Sunday

I am happy.....

Thoughts

I am in a melancholy mood. I got an email from my ex explaining how our getting along at David's graduation would make David happy. I know that but the thought of being in a stadium or the Lincoln Center or in a restaurant with him and his new wife makes me sad. Oh if I could just not have to have any presence of him in my life. Life would be so good. It is good. Until a situation like this shows up. I know I just need to suck it up. Put on my big girl panties and accept the hand life has dealt for me. I am going to shelf my feelings and move on. I have a fun week and weekend ahead of me. Full of laughter and fresh air and kisses. Tomorrow is the 15th and we have a party at work. Life is good. Life is good. Life is good.

April

I am tired today. I traveled for 13 hours yesterday in airports on airplanes and then drove myself home from the airport. I worked 6 hours and picked up Brinkley from the kennel. He will sleep for 2 days. Today was a beautiful day. Perfect weather. I think I am a very spoiled woman living in No Cal. I am thinking of moving. The place I want to move is also beautiful in a different way. In Washington it is always green and mountains will surround me. The people in Vancouver don't care what kind of car you drive or if you are wearing the newest styles. The men wear flannel shirts and baseball hats. But am I brave enough to sell everything I own and move to a city where I only know 3 people? And then find a job that will pay me enough to live? My attorney said I needed to find myself a husband to support me. But do I get married to someone just because I can't afford to take care of myself? Seems like a stupid reason to marry someone to me. If I get married again I want to be in love with that person. I would like to respect him and for him to respect me. I would want to trust that what he says is what he means. I want someone I can fall asleep with holding me. Who laughs and cries with me. Is there someone out there like that? If so will you call me?

Life On The Otherside

Some things in life just aren't meant to stay the same. The color of our hair, the ability to do the splits as a teenager, and relationships. As we grow older so do those that are around us. When we expect things to remain as they were, we are placing expectations on others that is just not fair. I realize that I must move forward and say good-bye to what was and allow those I love to do the same. It means standing on the sidelines and watching as their lives are lived and holding my opinion to myself unless asked. As I close one door to my past and stand at the doorframe of my future, the road seems long and empty. If I live in fear of that road I will miss new friends and experiences. And if I base my idea of what the road maybe like on my last roadtrip than I will never step away from the doorframe. What will I see? Who will I meet? Here I go! Wish me luck....