My Blog

It seems as if only one person reads my blog. And this anonymous person is very opinionated. Her opinion is annoying and not at all appreciated. So upon much thought I have decided to end this blog. Just because one decides to move doesn't mean one is running away. It means California is too expensive to live. And maybe I like to have sex with my Secret Admirer or to fall in love at the drop of a hat. Maybe I am not afraid do live life. So anonymous why don't you get a life. And reveal yourself so that I can put a face to such a highly opinionated person.

New Direction

I think it is time to take a new direction in my life. Focus on my job and creativity and moving to Seattle to be near my daughter. When life gives you lemons make lemonade.

Holiday

Tomorrow is a holiday. No Work! I hope I can make a dent in the housework that needs to be done. And I have two projects that need to be started and one that needs to be finished-a baby quilt for Lauren's friend. I have been trying to think of ways I can make a living that gives me the ability to be more creative.

I have some thoughts but they are just thoughts. Writing? Making quilts to sell? Just a couple of ideas. Now I will go to bed since it is 1:30 a.m. I just finished watching Coco Chanel. Such a good movie. She is an inspiration. So beautiful.

Here I Am

I can't believe that it has been 2 months since I have posted anything. A lot has happened and not so much. Work, work, work, always work. Work at home, work at the office. Work just lying in bed trying not to think too much. I have been to Pacific Grove and to Dallas. I have started to clean my house. It is like walking through mud, the work I do at home. When I am out I feel good and happy. But sometimes when I come home it feels like all that is wrong with me surrounds me. That sounds so awful. Because I do like being home. I am such a home body.

But a change has taken place in my heart and mind the last week or so. I have figured out what I enjoy and when I am somewhere with someone else I can just think about how much better it would be if I were with the other. And all the seeking and searching has finally stopped. I am free again to focus on my life. My family. My school. My job. And... yes, my home.

I have picked up my needle and thread and once again am sewing. I can't explain how much sewing relaxes me and gives me peace. I have once again opened my Bible and am beginning to study. I regret some of the choices I have made. I feel like I have black marks on my record that once weren't there.

Time for bed. My eyes are closing as I sit here. I feel like I am one breath away from crying. But that is going to be the case until I push through to the otherside.

Tired!!

I am so tired. Working, school, weekend job, housework, etc. Who has time for a social life. Who has time to watch what they eat. I think sometime I hit a wall. And this is one of those times. And I have hit it hard. I just have to hang on until Sunday and then I get a week off to hang out at the beach. Just a few more days....

I saw a great movie today, Robin Hood, with Russell Crowe. The actors were all so great. Friar Tuck was perfect. Lady Miriam, Cate Blanchett, was perfect. It is amazing how a movie is so much better when the right actors are chosen for the parts. The story is different than the Robin Hood story I learned as a child. But the history in this movie is great. The scenery. The violence, not so wonderful. I want to go again and just enjoy it all over again.

New Love

I met someone new last night and we talked for 4 hours on the phone.
He is so right for me in many ways. Almost too right. But his divorce isn't final and he has just begun his journey. Damn, damn, damn.

Music

I love music. I grew up in a house where music was very common. Of course, the only person who liked the music when I was very young was my father. He would listen to old time country western-Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, and music with yodeling. He played the guitar and liked picken out tunes. It seemed like we would watch a lot of music TV shows-Hee Haw, Grand Ole Opry, Ed Sullivan. Now I hear certain songs that can bring up a memory that is very clear and strong. I can hear a song from my high school years and remember the 70's. A boyfriend, a break-up, a drive, a moment so clear it feels as if I have time traveled.

There was a time in my divorce I couldn't listen to music much. It broke my heart to hear songs that reminded my of happier times. It is amazing how the world you live in feels so different when you are divorcing. You go to a store and suddenly that place takes on a whole new meaning. You no longer have to shop for food for someone else's liking, just your own. But you have ignored your own liking for so long you can't remember what you like. I would walk down the aisles at the market and look at things and wonder if I would like it. This still is an issue at times.

The last few years music has once again become very important to me. I can feel longing for someone with a song, or get filled with hope. I like movie soundtracks because they are specifically chosen to create a feeling in a movie. Right now, as I write this, I am listening to my ipod and a song from the movie One True Thing is playing. A movie about a woman who dies of cancer and how her daughter has to take care of her.

If I didn't have music in my life I would feel lost.

Climbing Mountains

I have felt funky all day. So many thoughts going through my mind. I haven't felt well since I got home from NYC, mostly tired and achy. I think my body is letting go of a very stressful 4 years. My trip to NY helped me move on from a past relationship with my ex and has allowed me accept the place of my children's stepmom in their lives. But now I need to work through the crap in my house and that is causing a whole new set of issues that I have been able to excuse because of not being able to move past my ex. Onto my next mountain to climb-letting go of all my past life junk. I hate climbing mountains....

Sunday

I am just back from a busy week in NYC with my kids for David's graduation. I was hoping to hit the ground running and get this pigsty of a house clean and in order. I have done the laundry and cleaned the bathrooms, but today I am still in my pj's and it is 3:00. I think I may have a virus. Maybe the shelf full of glassware that fell on my bare feet in the garage discouraged me from cleaning. I am viewing that as a positive accident in that now I will have to clean my garage and get rid of 20 years of junk I moved in with after my divorce.

I mentioned in my last blog entry that my mystery man broke my heart but that isn't true. He is very kind and sweet and always treats me well. And he is very honest with how far his commitment will be in the relationship. I suppose that I am trying to decide if I am willing to except his honesty and work within his boundaries. If not, then I have to say good-bye. If so, then we can have some fun. I know what I am looking for in a relationship and that isn't happening. But I don't really have time to be in a committed relationship.

This writing has worn me out. I have been told I think to much and make things too complicated. I would miss having an interesting conversation with a man that just isn't a grunt or a what did you say or a wait until the next inning. I think I assume that most men are empty headed and just want peace to watch whatever sporting event is on or to have their back's massaged.

For now I will be where I am and doing what I am doing and be thankful for what I have.

Mystery Man

My Mystery Man has broke my heart....

"I Think I Am In Love...."

I was watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice and started noticing how many people are in love. How easy it is to fall in love on TV. Dr. McSteamy said he loved Little Grey. Owen loves Kristina but is not sure how he feels about Teddy. Alex loves Little Grey. Meranda loves Dr. McCreamy (who wouldn't). Meredith loves Dr. McDreamy. Patients fall in love. On Private Practice there are doctors in love and then handing them off onto other doctors because they know they are still in love and after the hand off they go to another doctor that were secretly in love with but who is the best friend of his ex-wife. Babies are being born that everyone loves. People are dying that had kids that loved them. A monster of a woman gets engaged to the sweetest man on the show because they are in love and can't imagine life without the other.

After Private Practice I watched the news and was told how much people hate each other and how they have used various methods of violence to show that hate.

Now which world would you rather live in? I wouldn't mind Dr. McSteamy saying he loved me. And I try to stay away from people who hate me so much they want to kill me. Balance is key. Time to go pick up Brinkley, now there is an animal to love-McStinky

Brinkley

I have a dog named Brinkley. He has been the love of my life for 10 years. We have been through a lot together. He adores me like no other and I him. He lies next to me on cold nights and when I wake lonely, all I have to do is reach over and pet his fur and know the world is safe. His soft snores are reassuring to me. And many a morning I lay in bed longer than I should because he is snuggled next to me. He has a stinky toy that he loves. He has always liked his toys. He has a happy dance that he does when he gets excited. He is very funny looking when he runs around the house. When he is happy to see you he sneezes on you and makes these little snorting sounds.

I am thinking of giving my dog to my sister, Leslie. I cannot take care of Brinkley as well as I use to because I am working and have other activities that keep me out of the house. He needs more love and attention than I can give him now that he is getting older. I don't know if I will be able to leave him at Leslie's house. How will I come home at the end of a day and not have Brinkley to greet me? Or how will I sleep without him curled up next to me? I love Brinkley. He is like a child but not. How do you replace the love of your dog? A dog's love is so much different than a man's love. He doesn't care what I look like or smell like. Just that I am there.

Oh Brinkley I will miss you.

I Can Only Imagine

One of my favorite songs is by Mercy Me-"I Can Only Imagine". This song puts into words the thoughts about what it will be like when I meet my God. When I hear this song my heart stops and my mind slows down and for a few moments I am lost in my thoughts about God.

I long for my life to be like this. Each day and each moment in awe and wonder of Jesus and the love he has given me. Of the hope of a life everlasting. Of a new life of peace, joy, beauty and magnitude beyond imagination. I allow the chaos of my days and my mind to steal this joy from me. At the end of the day, when I am quietly lying in my bed and I final stop to talk to God, I ask for forgiveness for once again not placing him first in my thoughts and actions. I have imagined being a nun or monk in a secluded environment where all the distractions have been taken away from me and the only thing left is the quiet. How do I create that in a life filled with jobs, a dog, friends, TV, internet, stuff and more stuff?

At the end of the day I long for the day that now I can only imagine.

What Is Wrong With Feeling Special

We are all interchangeable, hmm, interesting. Don't think so...
As a mom, can my relationship with my children be changed or is it special?
As a friend, do I share experiences that are unique to that friendship?
As a lover, do we share moments that only two unique personalities blending can share?
It doesn't mean my children may not be able to experience a motherly experience with another woman, or my friend can't experience a bond with another person, or a lover be one with someone else. If I were to die than the hole my life ending created would be filled with someone. But that someone will never be me. I am uniquely myself. I am the only person who has lived my life. I offer things to a person that only I can offer because I am me.

Retreat

I have been on a 5 day sewing retreat-no TV, no computer, no newspapers. Lots of friends, some of which I had just met, and laughing. I have not been in such a peaceful place in years. The room we worked in was a blank canvas. As the time slowly ticked by, it became filled with color and creativity. Beautiful, beautiful fabric manipulated in all different quilt of forms. But the most beautiful part of being in a room filled with 50 or so women is the life experiences we have all had. I met a woman who worked as a 911 operator. Wow. Another is a best cancer survivor and another is in the midst of fighting cancer. A woman mesmerized with her story telling of Tom Tit Tot (an English folk tale). My best form of therapy is a quilt retreat. My therapist encourages it. Who am I to not follow my doctor's advise?

Sunday

I am happy.....

Thoughts

I am in a melancholy mood. I got an email from my ex explaining how our getting along at David's graduation would make David happy. I know that but the thought of being in a stadium or the Lincoln Center or in a restaurant with him and his new wife makes me sad. Oh if I could just not have to have any presence of him in my life. Life would be so good. It is good. Until a situation like this shows up. I know I just need to suck it up. Put on my big girl panties and accept the hand life has dealt for me. I am going to shelf my feelings and move on. I have a fun week and weekend ahead of me. Full of laughter and fresh air and kisses. Tomorrow is the 15th and we have a party at work. Life is good. Life is good. Life is good.

April

I am tired today. I traveled for 13 hours yesterday in airports on airplanes and then drove myself home from the airport. I worked 6 hours and picked up Brinkley from the kennel. He will sleep for 2 days. Today was a beautiful day. Perfect weather. I think I am a very spoiled woman living in No Cal. I am thinking of moving. The place I want to move is also beautiful in a different way. In Washington it is always green and mountains will surround me. The people in Vancouver don't care what kind of car you drive or if you are wearing the newest styles. The men wear flannel shirts and baseball hats. But am I brave enough to sell everything I own and move to a city where I only know 3 people? And then find a job that will pay me enough to live? My attorney said I needed to find myself a husband to support me. But do I get married to someone just because I can't afford to take care of myself? Seems like a stupid reason to marry someone to me. If I get married again I want to be in love with that person. I would like to respect him and for him to respect me. I would want to trust that what he says is what he means. I want someone I can fall asleep with holding me. Who laughs and cries with me. Is there someone out there like that? If so will you call me?

Life On The Otherside

Some things in life just aren't meant to stay the same. The color of our hair, the ability to do the splits as a teenager, and relationships. As we grow older so do those that are around us. When we expect things to remain as they were, we are placing expectations on others that is just not fair. I realize that I must move forward and say good-bye to what was and allow those I love to do the same. It means standing on the sidelines and watching as their lives are lived and holding my opinion to myself unless asked. As I close one door to my past and stand at the doorframe of my future, the road seems long and empty. If I live in fear of that road I will miss new friends and experiences. And if I base my idea of what the road maybe like on my last roadtrip than I will never step away from the doorframe. What will I see? Who will I meet? Here I go! Wish me luck....

Hope Part 2

Today is Palm Sunday. I went to church and listened to the preacher speak about Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. It was good to be back to church. I miss being there. Church has been a part of my life consistently since I was 13. After a few years, it became more about my relationship with God than church. And then I left the church a few years ago out of a broken heart. I blamed God for my husband leaving. It was not God's fault. It was his choice to leave. I just felt like God could stop it from happening. Well, he didn't. And the rest is history.
Now it is my choice. My choice to accept the loss and work with the life I now have. I have a great life. A good job. Good kids. A so-so son-in-law. (hehe just kidding Pat) An annoyingly cute dog. A great little house. Lots of friends. A few men in my life-one in particular I am enjoying very much right now. A stack of books that will keeping me reading for a long time. A piece of chocolate on my kitchen counter. And a God who loves me and who knew that my husband leaving would be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Thank you God for knowing the rest of the story.

My Trip

I just got home from a very long day. Nothing like what I planned it to be. I just stuck a pizza in the oven and turned on the TV and Signs is on. I like that movie. Two of my favorite subjects in one movie-faith and science fiction. Some people may believe they are one and the same but I don't. But I am getting off the subject, I am leaving on a trip in two days. I have to be packed and ready to leave by Monday morning because I am staying at a hotel by the airport on Monday. Today I was to do some work, do laundry, start packing, stop my mail, clean my frig, change my sheets. Today I did some work, went shopping with a friend, had to deliver my friend's cell phone to her after she left it in my car, and went to buy a frozen pizza and allergy pills for my dog. I am about to rewash a load of laundry for the third time because I keep washing it and fall asleep before I put it in the dryer. Ugh...Tomorrow I will get more done.

Hope

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. What would I do if I was faced with helping someone die, if asked, or watching the person die a slow painful death. I would not be able to help someone die. It would be morally wrong for me to do something like that. But this person who wanted to die said (and this is not an exact quote), there comes a time when death is not something to be afraid of. But a life without hope is something to fear. A person feels alone when there is no hope. This touched a place in me when I heard her say that. I have felt a loss of hope the last 5 or 6 years. It isn't continuous but it is there. It changes the way I view life and the way I live my faith. My relationship with God has changed. How many times can you pray and hear nothing to not have a change in your heart. Or what you hear is not the answer you were expecting. How can you watch the pieces of your life slowly fall into the ocean. And each year that passes more falls in. When does it stop and you are able to work with what is left. How do I sit in church and listen to all I know to be true but not know how to apply it to my life. A friend said to me yesterday how I could have been part of so many Bible studies to have no evidence in my life to show for it. I don't know. I just don't know. So tomorrow I will get up and get dressed and live my life and try to catch a glimpse of the hope I once had. And I will pray and wait for an answer. And I will wait for the next piece of my life to fall into the ocean

Last Weekend

Last weekend I had a date. A date I had been anticipating for weeks. He is a nice man who seems to like me. Who verbalizes his appreciation of me quite well. And shows his affection very obviously. He is quite a bit older than I am. My problem is that I probably won't see him again for at least a month or more and he wants know commitments. So the words he says to me and the affection he shares with me may be duplicated to ten other within that month or more. In someways it is nice being in a relationship that has no restrictions. We just enjoy each others company when it is convenient to both of us. But it makes me not want to grow an attachment to him. Out of site , out of mind.

My Home

My home is my home. I am comfortable in my home. It has become my safety net. I need to clean the clutter and mop the floors. Dust the furniture and clean the windows. But I push the books over on my bed and crawl under the sheets and rest assured that I am safe.

I have my mystery man coming to dinner Saturday. What shall we do? Cook dinner. Go for a walk. Hug and kiss and laugh.

But I have a man I am talking to that I really like. I haven't met him in person and hope I do before he goes to Canada for 6 weeks. He is so kind and sweet.

T emailed me back but is in a relationship. He did admit to thinking about me sometimes. What would I do if he were to call and want to see me.

I just want someone to go to the movies with! Is that too much to ask for????

Books

I went to the bookstore today after work - Copperfields in Petaluma. I don't need to buy books, I have more than any one person should own. But I like to go to the bookstore and touch the books and find one that will help me get lost in the world created by the author. I am reading two books right now - Waking the Dead and The Help. Both are very good books. I ended up buying a few magazines and The Stand by Stephen King. I read The Stand when I was a teenager, but never finished the last few hundred pages. Stephen King is one of my favorite authors. He does creepy very well. The wet weather we are having makes me want to crawl back into bed in the morning and read while my dog snuggles with me. But work demands my attention. Good night, I think I am going to bed to read.

Sunday

It is Sunday and the sun is shining! Yeah!!! And I am home. I like being home. I feel like I am always gone. My house is a mess, but I am actually cleaning! It is amazing what a little sunshine will motivate a person to do. I read somewhere to help get rid of clutter to throw 20 things away a day. I want to start trying that. I will keep track of how it is going.

To Be A One and Only

Do we all desire to be someone's one and only? What are we longing for? To be loved? Touched? To know that at the end of a long trip there is someone waiting at home for you, calling you to see if you landed safely. At the end of a day, when we crawl into bed, is there someone there to kiss you good night and to wrap their arms around you. What do we do when we had that and then it is gone just like that. Poof! You are alone. You can see the person that was there, you can hear his voice at times.
Will there be another? Do I want another? What if there are many? It isn't the same.

Wednesday

Wednesday, Wednesday....today is Wednesday. I was born on a Wednesday. Wednesday's child is full of woe. Pretty much sums me up! Worked all day-entering bills in the computer, paying bills. What would I do if I could do anything I want and make money? What is my passion.Pour cement? Nah. Something creative. Playing with fabric. Cutting it up and sewing it back together. Embroidering. Knitting. I am going to think about this and report back later.
I am tired tonight that makes me feel lonely. I would like to snuggle with someone. Brinkley where are you?

T

Dear T,
Why do I miss you so much? I only knew you for about a month. We met on the internet and our first encounter was a bar. You were my first date since my divorce. You were a surprise. A nice surprise. I had decided that somehow I was going to be kissed even before I met you. it had been so long since I had been kissed. You so politely asked if you could kiss me and I said yes. So nice, so sweet. For 3 hours we talked and kissed and I woke up for the first time in years. I was Sleeping Beauty and you were my prince. But, there is always a but, I couldn't handle all the mental and emotional feelings that were unleashed. I pushed you away. I talked to much and reacted too strongly. And now you won't speak to me. I hear music and think of you and tears drip down my cheeks. I miss your kisses. Your teasing. Our drives. I miss you. Good-bye T. Thank you for waking me from a dead sleep.
E

To Crochet or To Not Crochet

It is Saturday night and I am watching romantic movies on the Hallmark channel. While I watch TV I am doing laundry and trying to decide if I should crochet or sew. Oh the hard choices in life! The longer I take to decide the more likely it will be that I do nothing.
I am crocheting a ripple blanket. It is different than the afghans my mom use to make. It is very relaxing. It is like yoga without all the pain.
My next decision is pjs or nightgown. Oh the agony of it all!

Super Blah Sunday

Today is Super Bowl, I mean, Blah Sunday. I woke up feeling like my short stunt at dating is over for a while. Trying to find someone interesting and interested is so hard. Maybe I am trying too hard. I am going to let all me dating sites close and pray that my special person will be someone close to me. I wish I were happier. Or more encouraged. But I am not.

About Last Night

I had a date last night. It is still unnerving to me when a man says I am sexy. I feel as sexy as a wet rag. But I am starting to realize sexiness may not be so much about the way a person looks as it is about the confidence and energy they protray. I do feel sexy and confident when I am with a person I enjoy and makes me laugh. My real personality is able to shine. We shared a bottle of wine, a salad, steak and beautiful music. Our backgrounds are so different but the stories about the lives we have lived brought joy into the room. Will I see this person again? I don't know. I do know that last night was a special night. I will write it in my diary and draw a heart around it. Thank you mystery man for last night.

Hello

Hello, It's me and it has been a while. It is Friday night and I am home with a cold. It feels so strange to be in your house for days and you can hear the world going on outside but you are laying on your bed with no energy to move.
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and that is dangerous. About the dates I have been on and the men I have met. About how much work it is to try and meet someone that is normal and kind and not rude and selfish.
But there are men thinking the same thing about women I am sure. I have come to realize I am stuck. Stuck where I am waiting for something. What? Who knows. But I do know I am missing life.
Time to crawl back into bed with the current man in my life-my dog Brinkley. I love him.