Hope

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. What would I do if I was faced with helping someone die, if asked, or watching the person die a slow painful death. I would not be able to help someone die. It would be morally wrong for me to do something like that. But this person who wanted to die said (and this is not an exact quote), there comes a time when death is not something to be afraid of. But a life without hope is something to fear. A person feels alone when there is no hope. This touched a place in me when I heard her say that. I have felt a loss of hope the last 5 or 6 years. It isn't continuous but it is there. It changes the way I view life and the way I live my faith. My relationship with God has changed. How many times can you pray and hear nothing to not have a change in your heart. Or what you hear is not the answer you were expecting. How can you watch the pieces of your life slowly fall into the ocean. And each year that passes more falls in. When does it stop and you are able to work with what is left. How do I sit in church and listen to all I know to be true but not know how to apply it to my life. A friend said to me yesterday how I could have been part of so many Bible studies to have no evidence in my life to show for it. I don't know. I just don't know. So tomorrow I will get up and get dressed and live my life and try to catch a glimpse of the hope I once had. And I will pray and wait for an answer. And I will wait for the next piece of my life to fall into the ocean