Hope Part 2

Today is Palm Sunday. I went to church and listened to the preacher speak about Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. It was good to be back to church. I miss being there. Church has been a part of my life consistently since I was 13. After a few years, it became more about my relationship with God than church. And then I left the church a few years ago out of a broken heart. I blamed God for my husband leaving. It was not God's fault. It was his choice to leave. I just felt like God could stop it from happening. Well, he didn't. And the rest is history.
Now it is my choice. My choice to accept the loss and work with the life I now have. I have a great life. A good job. Good kids. A so-so son-in-law. (hehe just kidding Pat) An annoyingly cute dog. A great little house. Lots of friends. A few men in my life-one in particular I am enjoying very much right now. A stack of books that will keeping me reading for a long time. A piece of chocolate on my kitchen counter. And a God who loves me and who knew that my husband leaving would be one of the best things that ever happened to me. Thank you God for knowing the rest of the story.

My Trip

I just got home from a very long day. Nothing like what I planned it to be. I just stuck a pizza in the oven and turned on the TV and Signs is on. I like that movie. Two of my favorite subjects in one movie-faith and science fiction. Some people may believe they are one and the same but I don't. But I am getting off the subject, I am leaving on a trip in two days. I have to be packed and ready to leave by Monday morning because I am staying at a hotel by the airport on Monday. Today I was to do some work, do laundry, start packing, stop my mail, clean my frig, change my sheets. Today I did some work, went shopping with a friend, had to deliver my friend's cell phone to her after she left it in my car, and went to buy a frozen pizza and allergy pills for my dog. I am about to rewash a load of laundry for the third time because I keep washing it and fall asleep before I put it in the dryer. Ugh...Tomorrow I will get more done.

Hope

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. What would I do if I was faced with helping someone die, if asked, or watching the person die a slow painful death. I would not be able to help someone die. It would be morally wrong for me to do something like that. But this person who wanted to die said (and this is not an exact quote), there comes a time when death is not something to be afraid of. But a life without hope is something to fear. A person feels alone when there is no hope. This touched a place in me when I heard her say that. I have felt a loss of hope the last 5 or 6 years. It isn't continuous but it is there. It changes the way I view life and the way I live my faith. My relationship with God has changed. How many times can you pray and hear nothing to not have a change in your heart. Or what you hear is not the answer you were expecting. How can you watch the pieces of your life slowly fall into the ocean. And each year that passes more falls in. When does it stop and you are able to work with what is left. How do I sit in church and listen to all I know to be true but not know how to apply it to my life. A friend said to me yesterday how I could have been part of so many Bible studies to have no evidence in my life to show for it. I don't know. I just don't know. So tomorrow I will get up and get dressed and live my life and try to catch a glimpse of the hope I once had. And I will pray and wait for an answer. And I will wait for the next piece of my life to fall into the ocean

Last Weekend

Last weekend I had a date. A date I had been anticipating for weeks. He is a nice man who seems to like me. Who verbalizes his appreciation of me quite well. And shows his affection very obviously. He is quite a bit older than I am. My problem is that I probably won't see him again for at least a month or more and he wants know commitments. So the words he says to me and the affection he shares with me may be duplicated to ten other within that month or more. In someways it is nice being in a relationship that has no restrictions. We just enjoy each others company when it is convenient to both of us. But it makes me not want to grow an attachment to him. Out of site , out of mind.

My Home

My home is my home. I am comfortable in my home. It has become my safety net. I need to clean the clutter and mop the floors. Dust the furniture and clean the windows. But I push the books over on my bed and crawl under the sheets and rest assured that I am safe.

I have my mystery man coming to dinner Saturday. What shall we do? Cook dinner. Go for a walk. Hug and kiss and laugh.

But I have a man I am talking to that I really like. I haven't met him in person and hope I do before he goes to Canada for 6 weeks. He is so kind and sweet.

T emailed me back but is in a relationship. He did admit to thinking about me sometimes. What would I do if he were to call and want to see me.

I just want someone to go to the movies with! Is that too much to ask for????

Books

I went to the bookstore today after work - Copperfields in Petaluma. I don't need to buy books, I have more than any one person should own. But I like to go to the bookstore and touch the books and find one that will help me get lost in the world created by the author. I am reading two books right now - Waking the Dead and The Help. Both are very good books. I ended up buying a few magazines and The Stand by Stephen King. I read The Stand when I was a teenager, but never finished the last few hundred pages. Stephen King is one of my favorite authors. He does creepy very well. The wet weather we are having makes me want to crawl back into bed in the morning and read while my dog snuggles with me. But work demands my attention. Good night, I think I am going to bed to read.