May 7

Today is Saturday. I have been on vacation for one week. One day left and then back to work. I spent the bulk of the week at a retreat in Healdsburg sewing with 46 other quilters. It was a great time. Just what my soul and mind needed. How do I make that peaceful feeling a daily occurance instead of a yearly occurance? I have a few ideas. Now to get them out of my head and into action.

There are many things that invade my mind and make me wonder what my role is in this life. So many things have been taken away that are meaningful and I have filled those holes with things that are meaningless. I have been thinking the last few days of selling all my possessions and giving my life to God to serve him in a mission position. If all is gone what else can me taken?

I find myself wanting to be silent and waiting for God to answer my questions. The problem is that in the I know longer know how to pray to God. No, that isn't right. It feels like I don't know how to ask God for help. He seems to be so silent. And everywhere I turn there is a new issue facing me that leaves me feeling scared and alone.

I try to write to get the thoughts out of this head of mine. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I know that I am a mom. But? Alone. Here. Scared.

Valentine's Day

Today is February 14, Valentine's Day. It was a good day at work. Too many sweets. Lots of laughs. And very productive work wise. But tonight I sat on the couch and watched two episodes of House. All okay. Not feeling the love thing these days. Need to lose some weight. A few of us at work have decided to lose some weight. I need to lose at least 100 pounds, but I am going to start with five. And when I lose the five, I will move on to the next five. For me it is a life and death situation. And a desire to be more attractive. My blood pressure is too high and yet I continue to each sausage mcmuffins. So tomorrow is it. Fruit and celery sticks. Chicken and water. And a lot of prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.